


But in my mind it’s a complicated mess don’t you see?

by Mad_Hatt3r



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 01:49:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16187576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mad_Hatt3r/pseuds/Mad_Hatt3r
Summary: Just a little scenario with a what if Sophie found Tim’s angry words more upsetting than she originally let on?





	But in my mind it’s a complicated mess don’t you see?

“I’ve missed you” 

It’s a simple statement, spoken before she could help herself, but one of complete truth. If anything the statement is largely understated, she hasn’t seen Sophie in eleven days. When, after the first, her texts where no longer answered she figured she wasn’t going to hear from Sophie again especially as it had been over a week. 

“I didn’t mean to be gone so long” 

There’s guilt and shame colouring her lover’s tone but Paula cannot forgive instantly. Her nights have been full of interrupted sleep her days filled with distracted thoughts. Her job has been the only thing keeping her sanity, forcing away the what ifs and wonderings of whether Sophie would return or whether she would never hear from her again. 

“Your text didn’t explain much” 

She’s keeping her tone light and polite, doesn’t want the bitterness that’s lingering inside of her to be brought forth. One brief text with the words ‘Things are complicated right now but I’ll be in touch’ had not been sufficient then or now. Hell she knew things where complicated but she presumed they would weather the storm together. Paula hadn't been lying when she had said she thought they had something special. It had hurt all the more, the cold shoulder, after Sophie had seemed to agree with her. 

The relief she initially felt at seeing the brunette had washed over in a heady rush but now the past few days frustrations are raising their ugly head once more. She won’t be taken for a fool and if Sophie doesn’t want this, want them, then she would rather be told than led on a figurative dance. 

“I didn’t know how to explain” 

“You could have tried” 

Sophie flinches and Paula has to will away the guilt she feels at causing that reaction. This is not something Sophie can brush off she’s owed an explanation and she expects one. 

“I’m so sorry” 

It’s said with such defeat that it alarms Paula her feisty brunette has been reduced to a meek shadow. It’s the first time she has seen Sophie look like this, even after they had heard about Sally’s trial she had raged in panic, all brash gestures and raised voice. Now she looks deflated, like there’s no fight left and worry fills her being. 

“Come in, let’s not linger any longer” 

She opens her front door fully and steps back, Sophie looks at her in confusion but she doesn’t voice a question. Instead she allows herself to be guided across the doorway and into the living room. She sits on the edge of the wingback in the corner looking so small and lost that Paula wants to wrap her into her arms and never let go. She refrains. Instead she lounges back into the corner of her couch in stark contrast to Sophie who’s posture has not eased any since she sat down. 

“Explain” 

“I don’t really know how” 

Paula let’s out an aggrieved sigh leaning forwards she rests her elbows on her knees and fixes her gaze on Sophie who’s eyes are skittish. 

“Sophie if either of us wants this to continue you need to talk to me” 

“You... you would still actually want this? Me?” 

It’s small, so small sounding and said with such bewilderment, Sophie’s voice cracking as she speaks, that Paula’s heart feels heavy in her chest. This is significant, she realises that this right now is not just about Sophie going awol for a few days, her lover is barely holding it together and it’s this realisation that causes Paula to relax her stance. 

“Sophie, come here” 

She opens her arms wide and she’s almost immediately enveloped in a crushing embrace. Wrapping her arms tightly around shaking shoulders Paula allows Sophie to nuzzle into her neck. It’s obvious she’s trying to get as close as physically possible and Paula would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy the feeling of Sophie in her arms once again. 

“Of course I want you” 

“But I’ve been awful” 

“Technically we’ve never specified where this was going. I just presumed you had worked the older woman phase out of your system and were moving on” 

It’s hurts to say the words out loud but her chest feels a little lighter now her fear has been brought out into the open. 

“You’re not a phase”

This is spoken with conviction, the first of Sophie’s words this evening that have held any real strength. It washes away the major insecurity she has had trouble pushing away but still it does explain Sophie’s absence. 

“Where have you been?” 

“Mum’s, Dad’s, Kate’s a couple of times” 

Paula’s hand stills where it had been rubbing comfortingly down Sophie’s back causing the brunette to sit up abruptly. 

“We’d been out, it was easier to crash at hers than disturb Tim and Gina or Dad and Jack” 

“So you had been drinking?” 

Sophie nods, eyes wide and reaches for her hand but Paula moves out of her grasp ignoring the look of panic that crosses the younger brunettes face. 

“You have been upset I understand that, but what I don’t understand is why you have been out drinking with your ex girlfriend instead of talking to me” She levels Sophie with her best stare “I thought we were opening up to one another what changed?” 

“I don’t want Kate” 

“While that’s good to hear that doesn’t answer my question” 

Sophie smiles although it’s without humour “You don’t get to bring Paula the lawyer to this, that’s not fair” 

Paula rolls her eyes but she does allow a smile to cross her lips “You can try and evade as much as you want but I have all evening and as I do this as part of my job ...” 

Sophie laughs as she raises her eyebrows at the end of her sentence. Soon though the laughter dies away and her gaze falls somewhere to her right. She’s looking towards the corner and as Paula follows her gaze she realises she’s looking at her degree which is hung above the writing desk. 

“Tim blames me for Mum being in prison, and in a way he is right” Paula goes to interrupt but Sophie holds up her hand “Don’t, I know that you don’t agree but I need you to listen and not interrupt otherwise I’m never going to be able to explain” 

Paula nods meekly but she places a hand on Sophie’s knee, wanting in someway to silently provide her support. Sophie smiles at her softly in response before she takes a deep breath before continuing. 

“Dad blamed me for Jack you know? I was looking after him that day and I made him go to school when he wasn’t well. If I had just done something sooner, taken him to A&E, then Jack wouldn’t be missing a foot. My football loving brother would still be playing the sport he loves more than anything else” 

Sophie has tears welling in her eyes, her gaze is fixed firmly on the hand Paula has rested on her knee. She gives a soft squeeze and is pleased when Sophie places a hand over her own. 

“My last relationship felt like it should have finally been the one to last. Kate is a friend we know each other inside and out, well I certainly thought so until it turned out she was in love with someone else and only with me because Rana wouldn’t leave her husband” 

Paula can feel a lump in her throat building as she watches Sophie lay her heart bare in front of her but still she does not speak, just waits for her lover to continue. 

“And I try not to be bitter, Kate can’t help who she fell in love with and what’s happened with Jack and Mum could happen to anyone, but it always seems like everything is either my fault or I’m the one who gets left behind or forgotten” 

The tears that have built are now falling and Paula entwines their hands squeezing tightly as Sophie finally raises her chin and meets her gaze with her own. 

“The guilt, the blame it all hit me at once and I couldn’t cope. I’ve been drinking trying to drown everything out and sleeping the demons away through the day. I’ve been barely functioning at work and a let down to the others when they have needed me. I just thought that it would be easier for both of us to just stay away” 

Sophie reaches for her face, cupping her chin in her hand she strokes her fingers down her cheek and Paula can’t help but close her eyes at such an intimate gesture. 

“You are just so perfect, you're intelligent and attractive with your head screwed on. You have a brilliant career and a house, a family, a life you have made yourself. Whereas I’m living with my Dad and working at a local restaurant. I’ve done nothing with my life and at this rate never will. Why on earth would someone like you ever be interested in someone like me?” 

Paula opens her mouth instantly but once again she is stopped this time by Sophie’s finger coming to rest on her lips.

“But you’ve said before that that doesn’t matter to you, the fact that I still live at home with no career prospects. This though, the emotional insecurity, I decided to hide it from you, if you didn’t see me like this then maybe we would be alright. I could still be the one who makes you laugh and gives you orgasms not this mess that you have sat in front of you” 

Sophie pulls back away from her, dropping her hands and Paula’s breath catches she doesn’t want the distance that Sophie is putting between them. 

“I thought two maybe three days at most and then I’d be ok but it’s been so hard to fight this time, it’s all just got too much. I never planned on staying away for this long and I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through. The not knowing and what ifs are things that have driven me to despair and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with those” 

Sophie wipes at her eyes now and sniffs loudly her hands fidget distractedly and her eyes are averted, her chin practically resting on her chest. 

“Are you finished?” 

She nods meekly and Paula immediately takes Sophie’s hands in her own and pulls her gently into her arms. With her cheek resting against Sophie’s head she tightens her hold. 

“Thank you for telling me” 

“You deserved the truth” 

“I’m not perfect” 

Sophie snorts “Could’ve fooled me” 

“Well then that just means I talk a good game” 

Sophie raises her head to look at her curiously and Paula feels compelled to be honest after Sophie’s courageous confession. 

“I’m a perfectionist and can be ruthless and calculating. It’s what makes me good at my job. When I have a new case it can consume me I become withdrawn and distant. It has caused past relationships to fail and that teemed with the fact that I can be known to have a bit of a temper does not make me the easiest person to get along with” 

“Everyone has their own flaws, I don’t think any less of you for saying that” 

“Nobody’s perfect Sophie. I know that I could argue against every point you have just explained to me but I know it won’t change what you think in your own head especially considering I haven’t been here to witness to the events that have happened”

Paula cupped Sophie’s chin with her hand and leant their foreheads together so that she could look into beautiful warm blue eyes. 

“But what I will say is that you’re one of the most brilliant people I know and just because you’re facing a difficult time that doesn’t mean I want to spend any less time with you. You are worth everything Sophie and if you’re upset I want to know about it because maybe I could help or at least I can give you somewhere else to be when everything feels like it’s getting on top of you” 

Sophie pulls back so that she can look deep into her eyes and Paula forces herself to remain still and open so that her lover can see, not just hear, the truth in her words. She means what she said and wants there to be no doubt in Sophie’s mind that she will be there for her. 

“You always say we have such fun I didn’t want to ruin that” 

“And we do and will continue to do so but it’s not everything is it? I want us to be more than just having a laugh with brilliant sex. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy that as well but we all know that in life things will come to try us and I want to be here for those things as well” 

“How did I get so lucky?” 

There’s awe in Sophie’s voice and Paula blushes hard, it’s too difficult not too. 

“I feel exactly the same way” 

Sophie scoffs and looks away but Paula turns her head back to face her. 

“You’re young and beautiful with the whole world at your feet. I’m a middle aged woman with a grown up family, you could have anybody you wanted” 

“But I don’t want anybody else” 

Paula smiles warmly at the simplicity of the statement, cupping both of Sophie’s cheeks she presses a quick kiss to her lips then her forehead. 

“Well neither do I” 

Sophie smiles bright and wide and it’s illuminating in its beauty. For a split second Paula wishes she had her camera in her hand because she’s certain Sophie has never looked so radiant. 

“I feel like I could float” 

Laughing Paula cuddles Sophie close pulling her backwards so they are cosied into the corner of the couch, limbs entwined. Sophie’s head rests on her chest her arm coming to rest across her stomach. The tension from the last week oozes away in the comfort of Sophie’s arms and Paula feels warm and content. 

“I’ve been a proper muppet haven’t I?” 

Paula just hums low in her chest with a smile, she doesn’t agree with Sophie calling herself names but a lot of stress and worry could have been saved on both their parts if she had just spoken to her. 

“I just thought it would push you away and then I did it anyway by not talking to you” 

“Well you know what to do in future” 

“Don’t have a melt down”

It’s in jest, Paula knows that but she still feels the need to reassure. Taking Sophie’s hand in her own she brings her knuckles to her lips pressing a soft kiss to the skin there. 

“Talk to me” 

This morning she had resigned herself to the fact that she wouldn’t be hearing from the brunette in her arms again, now she feels a contentment that she didn’t think she would feel again. Sophie leans up pressing her lips insistently against her own. It’s gentle and loving and Paula feels her heart flutter in her chest. When she pulls back she’s smiling her eyes bright but serious. 

“I promise”


End file.
